The Elemental Aspects of Grief
Grief is a journey that many of us will embark on at some point in our lives. It's a path filled with pain, learning, and, eventually, growth. In this blog post, I revisit some themes from my earlier writings, specifically from my book "After Life After You," published in 2010. This post delves into the multifaceted nature of grief, a topic that touches us all deeply and personally.
Table of Contents
Dark Night of the Soul
Emptiness
Strange New World
An Awakening
Final Reflections
Dark Night of the Soul
The concept of grief is often associated with the five stages outlined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. However, my personal journey through grief led me to discover its elemental nature. One such element is the Dark Night of the Soul. This stage is like navigating through a stormy sea in darkness. It's about survival, about enduring the unendurable. It's a time when the pain of loss is so acute that it feels like a physical weight, threatening to pull us under.
Navigating through the Dark Night, we are lost at sea amidst a raging storm, enveloped in darkness with no sense when we might find shelter or calm waters again. It is perhaps the most agonising and challenging stage of the grief journey. When we enter this phase, we are plunged into profound sorrow, anguish and even despair. The life-altering loss we have experienced drops us into an abyss of suffering that seems endless.
In this bleak stage, bereavement can manifest physically through panic attacks, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, nausea, and other symptoms. The emotional distress is so severe that continuing daily life and responsibilities feels nearly impossible. Getting out of bed, attending work or school, caring for loved ones - basic tasks now require Herculean effort.
The sadness during the Dark Night transcends ordinary grief or depression. There can be unrelenting feelings of confusion, a sense of meaninglessness, and even fleeting suicidal thoughts. These overpowering emotions arise as we are forced to confront the grim, inconsolable reality of death. Simply existing from one moment to the next takes every last reserve of energy and willpower.
As part of this abyss, we may grasp and cling to keepsakes, photos, or locations related to the deceased in fruitless attempts to keep their memory alive. But simultaneously, we are overcome by anger, regret, guilt, or abandonment. While our rational mind knows they are gone forever, our heart still aches for their comfort and familiar presence. This painful chasm between longing for the impossible and accepting the permanence of loss is profoundly destabilising and soul-destroying.
Navigating through the Dark Night is akin to being lost at sea amidst a raging storm, enveloped in darkness with no sense when we might find shelter or calm waters again.
Making it through relies on tapping into an inner fortitude we didn’t know we possessed. Holding onto flickers of hope, support from truly compassionate friends and family, or even just taking life one minute at a time are the only guideposts available as we withstand this turbulent phase on our grief journey back into the light.
Emptiness
The next stage, Emptiness, follows the intense turmoil of the Dark Night. It's characterized by a profound sense of loss, as if a part of us has been hollowed out. The world continues to move around us, but we're caught in a still, silent void where the absence of our loved one is a constant presence.
Emptiness can permeate and drain all aspects of life in profound ways. As we grieve, once beloved and meaningful activities may now feel pointless, robbing us of motivation and zeal. Previous passions like creative hobbies, sports, or social gatherings are devoid of joy. There seems no reason to participate when our loved one is no longer there to enjoy them with us.
In the stillness of Emptiness, tasks that require deep thought and decision-making can also overwhelm us. Making even minor choices about meals, purchases, or plans feels exhausting when bereft of our guiding light and confidant. Overthinking replaces natural instincts. Additionally, well-meaning support from friends and family can seem strangely disconnected or transparent, highlighting our isolation in grief. Though they cannot fully comprehend our loss, we may still feel resentful and abandoned.
Navigating the mundane responsibilities of life also becomes markedly more difficult in this hollow stage. Once effortless chores like grocery shopping, paying bills, or household duties now demand more of our limited energy.
Through confronting the extent of this void and absence in Emptiness, we begin to comprehend the magnitude of our loss. The smallest aspects of life are deeply affected, forcing us to slowly accept this new reality. Cherished bonds and routines that once guided us have disappeared, and we must now walk unaccompanied.
By fully processing this emptied state, we eventually build the resolve required to form an altered existence. Though forever changed, glimmers of a new life begin to take shape.
Strange New World
Following the stage of Emptiness is the Strange New World. This is when the initial shock of loss begins to fade, and we start to look at our surroundings with new eyes. The world hasn’t changed, but our perception of it has.
Entering the Strange New World can open up an existential crisis of sorts. Bereft of our loved one who often provided stability, purpose, and meaning, we grapple with our small place in the wider universe. Life feels fragile, random, and confusing without their grounding presence.
The mundane patterns of daily tasks like commutes, work, relationships suddenly appear trivial and inconsequential. We question why we participate at all in these rote rituals that will end upon death. Our loved one’s absence casts life as futile. Old assumptions and beliefs may be examined. Perhaps faith feels tested or concepts like justice and fairness seem violated. There are no satisfying answers to painful rhetorical questions like “why them?” or “why now?”
In this disorientation, anxiety and even anger arises towards the callous indifference of the external world. Birds continue singing unaware, strangers laugh blithely on the street, while our entire existence mourns.
Facing the universe’s cold neutrality, we may turn inward for vestiges of familiarity. Seeking solace in treasured mementos, finding refuge in nostalgic memories, we rebuild a small bubble of comfort.
Over time, the strange becomes familiar once more. We adjust by crafting new paths forward honor our past and our loved one’s lasting legacy. Slowly the bewildering fog in this new realm begins to lift.
Awakening
Finally, we arrive at Awakening. This is a stage of rebirth, where we start to rediscover joy and hope. It's not about forgetting our loss but about learning to live with it. It's where we find that our grief has transformed us, and we begin to see possibilities for the future.
An Awakening creeps up quietly, in small moments we begin to notice and appreciate beauty anew - a glowing sunset that they would have loved, a memory that suddenly sparks laughter instead of tears. It is not that we move on, but rather that we carry our loss gently now instead of as a gaping wound.
As we Awaken, fresh connections start to entwine around remnants of grief, like new shoots growing around gnarled roots. We reach out to old friends, pick up hobbies that fell to the wayside, and feel glimmers of excitement about someone new in our life.
Our identity begins to reconstitute, incorporating this profound loss as a core tenet of who we are now. We start to recognise ourselves again, changed but still familiar. Recognising our own resilience awakens dormant self-confidence.
The timeline for this Awakening varies wildly - it may be months or many years. Regardless, whenever the first true moments of joy or laughter reappear, they are bittersweet. Is it betrayal to be happy again, we wonder? But in truth, it is testament to our loved one’s gifts - their lasting bequest of untrammelled spirit.
As Awakening progresses, the sharp edges of grief slowly soften into something smooth, worn-in. The sadness never disappears but rather becomes part of us, no longer an open wound but more akin to an old injury that aches during storms. It reshapes to allow in slivers of sunlight peeking through the clouds.
Final Reflections
Grief is a deeply personal and unique experience. It doesn’t follow a linear path, and each person’s journey is different. But through understanding its elements – the Dark Night of the Soul, Emptiness, the Strange New World, and Awakening – we can find a common language to discuss and share our experiences. In its painful way, we learn that grief teaches us about resilience, growth, and the enduring nature of love.
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