Behind the Mask: The Hidden Struggles During Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I. Introduction

Every October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month shines a light on a reality that is far more common than many realise. One in four pregnancies ends in loss, and behind each of those numbers is a family forever changed. This awareness month honours the memory of babies lost far too soon, but it also reveals another story—the story that often remains hidden behind a mask of strength and resilience.

For many, this month is about recognition and remembrance, but it can also be a time of invisible hardship. The pressure to stay composed, to appear strong for others, or to simply survive the day without breaking down is overwhelming for those grieving. Today, we delve into these hidden battles and why it is essential to acknowledge the struggle that often goes unnoticed.

II. The Mask We Wear

Grieving parents often find themselves wearing a mask to cope with both societal pressures and the personal need to function. This mask is like armour—a necessary shield to navigate a world that doesn't always understand or make room for their pain. The mask might look like a smile, a casual response of "I'm okay," or even a complete withdrawal from social interactions to avoid questions that cut too deeply. I write about my own experience of this in my book, A Year of Medical Thinking. 

Society tends to equate strength with stoicism—with a composed, tear-free exterior that says, "I'm managing." However, these expectations create an environment where true emotions are hidden, and pain is endured in silence. The armour is worn not because the grieving are ready to be brave, but because it feels required—an unspoken agreement that grief should be palatable and should not disrupt the norm.

III. The Emotions Beneath

Beneath this armour lies a landscape of raw emotions—a mix of sadness, anger, guilt, and deep despair. These emotions are not often discussed openly, but they are part of the complex journey through grief. When you experience a loss of this kind, the fracture that occurs runs deep. It is invisible, but it impacts everything. It is a reminder that the grief journey is not linear and never "neat."

It is vital to acknowledge these emotions, to understand that feeling fractured does not mean broken beyond repair. It means you are living with a love that no longer has a tangible place to go. By validating these emotions as natural, we allow the grieving to process their loss in their own way, without judgement or pressure to fit into societal expectations.

IV. Recognising the Unseen

True support begins when we see past the mask. To really support those grieving, we need to acknowledge their pain without expecting them to conform to what is comfortable for others. Ignoring these invisible struggles does a disservice to the grieving, who often carry more weight than what is seen on the surface.

Support is not about fixing; it's about bearing witness. It's about walking alongside those in pain, offering them the space to be unguarded and raw. By recognising the unseen battles, we can extend genuine compassion and validation—making it easier for the grieving to feel seen, understood, and supported.

V. Finding Strength in Connection

The journey of grief is deeply personal, but there is a silent solidarity among those who have experienced loss. This unspoken connection provides a unique comfort—a reminder that, while the pain is personal, it is not faced alone. Sharing your story, and connecting with others who understand, can be a source of profound solace and strength.

Support groups, whether online or in-person, provide a community where stories can be shared, emotions can be expressed, and silent bonds can be formed. Organisations like PLICA are vital because they create a safe space for those grieving to connect and find hope in the shared experience of loss. These spaces remind us that, even in the darkest times, we are not truly alone.

This Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, let's honour not just the memories of the babies lost, but also the strength and courage of those who carry on—often unseen, often unrecognised, but always filled with enduring love.